Diary entry from 2003

[AN EXTRACT FROM A DIARY I KEPT WHEN I WAS 13. SUFFICE TO SAY I HAVEN'T CHANGED MUCH... ]


Monday 2nd August

9.00pm

Today I am feeling new levels of lowness. I feel as though, it being the summer holidays, I should be doing something more productive but I just end up waking up late and watching TV. Though I do have to say day TV is incredibly boring! I mean, I woke up this morning to find countdown on. Countdown! I mean honestly if they know the British public but at all, they’d know bloody well that the majority is exactly like me. Couch potatoes that do not appreciate Friend’s episodes being taken over by “test cricket” whatever the hell that is. To be honest I think this lowness might have something to do with missing my best friend Helen. She’s gone away for three weeks, and now I really understand how much my life falls apart without her. I mean firstly Adam is being a prick. Well I suppose it’s not so much him but probably his stupid friends who seem to find it hilarious that I actually fancy Adam. Suppose they have a point. I don’t even know why I fancy him. He’s not the first. I liked Jamie for ages then realized he was a prick. I seem to be forming a pattern here. Maybe I should just swear off guys for life and just adopt children. You know become one of those career driven women. I’d get a lot more done.

10pm

In bed thinking about how incredibly sad my life is. Im thirteen and im speaking as though I’ve had a couple of illegitimate children and a divorce. I haven’t had either. I haven’t even had a proper boyfriend. God I suppose im destined to be bitter and twisted for the rest of my life. I keep thinking that I might actually end up lonely forever but then I think wont marriage just be boring? You know waking up to the same face everyday has to shock you back to reality. If I were much older and smoked then I reckon id be dying for a fag right now. Though I don’t suppose ill ever smoke having not had good experiences with it in my past. My dad used to smoke and I’d spend the weekend with him. By the end I’d be wheezing. But its not his fault because I realized that it was just hay fever. Which actually has no relevance. Hmm… no wonder im single.

11.00

Can’t sleep. Usually I watch friends in bed and it soothes me but right now I don’t think a horse pill could knock me out. I just keep going over loads of things in my head again and again. You know, the small things people say that aren’t supposed to offend but do? Well now I keep wondering if I have done that and not meant to. I keep racking my brain to try and think but then realized how am I meant to know? God im so silly, I worry about everything. Im only a teenager and I think I give my self-peer pressure. That’s got to say something. Im just going to lie here all night thinking how to apologize for being so selfish

11.05
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………..

Tuesday 3rd July

11.am

Usual wake up time. I am dreading going down stairs in case countdown is really on and have urges to shoot TV. I make my lunch, having slept through breakfast and go and sit down. Just then my mobile bleeps to say I have a text. I dive at my phone in hope its Adam buts its just Amy saying goodbye since she’s off to Cornwall today. Now I feel even more alone. I put down my sandwich realizing I have lost my appetite, pick out “10 things I hate about you” and go and watch it in my own lovely bed.

12.30am

Why cant lives be something like the movies? Why cant I have some fit Australian bloke after me? Life is so unfair! I ring Amanda to see what she’s up to. She was out last night and I want to see if I missed anything interesting. I haven’t been allowed out on Fridays for a while